The End

All I want is to be held for a long time and told that it'll be ok. Well, maybe that's not true, I want more than that. I want someone to love me as much as I love them. I want to wake up in the morning and have something to look forward to. I want to lose this feeling of emptiness. I want to do things not because I'm searching for a distraction from reality, but because it is reality and I want to experience it.

I want to have an element of stability in my life, something that I can depend on and take comfort in.

I wish I could find it in myself ... my one constant from birth to death ...

I went in search of a distraction and found that I can't find lasting happiness in distractions. Maybe that's why I range from sad to happy so drastically, because all I have are distractions. I think in the end, I need to find greater concentrations of people like me. I'm not really sure exactly where I'd go about finding them, maybe they are all lost like me.

I'm not in the mood to write anything intelligent. I haven't been in a while.

It's all a distraction, why do I write, why do I draw? To create a reality I like. Why am I a socialite? Because when I'm talking to someone else I can avoid what bothers me. Why do I put so much time into others? Because I don't want to take care of myself, I don't like my reality.

I exist to pursue happiness. Every once and a while I'll be truly happy, and that just gives me a reason to continue searching, to continue to try to replicate that feeling of happiness.

There were good things that happened this semester. I found a distraction that I almost felt like I fit into. I found people who were a little more like me. And I had good times with them. I wonder if it is a circumstance of the semester or the experience for the year. Something fleeting as most things I've experienced here.

Part of me cries because I know it will all end, part of me is like "eh, you'll get over it." It was all a distraction anyhow, right?

The only constant is myself

I don't want to be a dragon of heaven right now, I'd like to believe that there was someone I'd fall on their sword for, but I find the idea of nixing the world much more rewarding in the long run, and most people important to me probably wouldn't mind too much anyway.