One day I'll grow up .... or maybe one day I'll realize that I have grown up.

Still sick, though after sleeping from 730-1200 on Pete's bed I feel marginally better. The desire to succumb to the disease has left me.

The other night I was told about my paradox with chick flicks. That perhaps I hate them because I know that is not how reality is, while at the same time, seeing the situations in the movies gives me hope that things just may turn out okay for myself. I think Dannille also was onto a point during chick flick Saturday, she was saying that she hated to look at the girls because they were so pretty. I am to a degree jealous of these heroines. I am jealous that things seem to work out for them in the end. Perhaps I am calling it the end for myself too soon, heroines usually do have to suffer before they live happily ever after, and I am only 21.

I did a card reading for myself a couple nights ago. I asked what would come of the relationship between myself and Pete. This question has caused me much grief because the suspected answer is, once I'm gone, our friendship will be but a memory for me. Of course there's always my little chick flicky dreams that cause me pain and hope at the same time. Anyway the ending can be seen two ways. The final position could be interpreted as him or as the meaning of his card. Simply, the outcome of our relationship is either his presence or whatever the meaning of his card was ... something like a restrictive situation.

I feel a pressure that I need to change to make someone happy with me. I'm not sure if it's internal or external.