We'll follow my heart

This year, this year, lesson 40 has passed ... I was just interrupted by AJ and I think that I said something that would start this off right ...

I wish it was another time and place ...

I wish it was another time and place cause a good part of me believes that I belong somewhere else. That I would be happier and more successful in another environment. The success and purpose I am supposed to find here is merely a means of making the best of a situation I'm trapped in. I will stay, but the reason lies mostly in others. As I said before, they feel I serve a purpose, they give me value and need me. Which on an organizational level is merely maintenance. The Army is a monster, it is constantly hungry, it always needs more souls to feed it. There is a personal level though, these people, especially my friends ... I'll do anything for them.

I dunno ... This isn't what I want to talk about right now. I've talked enough about that for now, and I foresee that I will talk more with my thousand support outlets, my friends, my acquaintances, my teachers, my tac cell, my counselor. There are so many people out there for me and yet I feel something is missing.

I guess most of all I use the phrase "another time and place" because he used it. I haven't given 'Timmy' proper representation in this journal. As much as I say I have no emotional attachment to him, how he's just a game, etc etc, when I remember second semester cow year, he will be what I remember most. And I still don't understand why I can't just drop him. It has to be more than the "functional use" excuse I make. I wonder if its a pride issue. More of me being a spoiled brat and used to getting what I want. Or maybe the prolonging of this is due to the occasional slip in stance, that strings me along due to my curiosity -- and hope. In the end, I wish it was another time and place because he says that in another time and place things would probably have been different. I would give quite a bit to see that reality and I do just to catch a couple glimpses.

Maybe this is the reality those cards long ago were predicting. The Star, the Lovers, Death, the Page of Swords. Star crossed lovers, with some doomed fate or something to that effect.

I ask myself why. What is so special about this kid?

Part of me sees an extroverted me, 1 year ago, in him. It probably annoys him when I draw that comparison.

( May 20) I figured out what I deserve that I do not get from him. I don't get honest and open criticism from him unless I ask, and even then I doubt him because of his nature. He says he doesn't want to be an asshole, but it seems to me to be even worse to ignore me get all annoyed instead of just saying "look I want to ___ can you leave?" or "I don't like it when you ___." It's not like he's the only person I hang out with in the course of the day. And it's definitely not that no one else treats me that way. It's like tell me what is right and wrong instead of just holding it against me.

To a certain degree maybe I do the same. I'll have to think about that...