Reality Betrays Me

Time for a rant ... this is my life ... I am the one in charge of it and I don't belong to anybody, I don't need to answer to anybody, and I don't owe anything to anybody. I like that freedom, to come and go as I please, to talk to who I wish, to be independent.

At the same time I long for companionship. I want to feel physically and emotionally close to people. Or maybe its just to someone.

This borders on contradictory.

People's intentions become apparent to me. Part of me knew the truth the other part tried to believe otherwise, ignoring what those around me told me. Now those around me tell me that shit happens, let it all slide off. I wonder about people's true feelings about me.

This weekend is an example of why I don't need commitments.

TEE leave and Erik was supposed to come up, but I found out that he didn't have the money to do so anymore so my plans were kinda shot. I'm used to sticking around here though so it didn't bother me too much, told some of my friends who I knew would be around that I would probably be around this weekend and that we'd go watch a movie or something. Asked Startzell if he was using the car that weekend and he invited me to go to Boston with him (weekend option 2). He's a nice guy, but I don't really know him or anyone he hangs out with so I declined. He kindly took his friend's car to Boston and let me use Eddie.

Thursday night rolls around and Noble IMs me about going to the city. Didn't really care for going until he told me that Bobby's pass was approved and that Ashan was having a get together at his apartment in the City. He tells me if Bobby knew he told me this, he'd be upset, but my instinct says tell Bobby that I know.

At this time I was currently feeling wary of Bobby so I approached with my usual submissiveness. While down there I noted that he IMed Willie about the weekend. He gave me the usual kinda response, "I don't have a say," "what does my opinion matter." I've come to believe that when he does that he's trying to not piss me off while at the same time trying to find a way to make things work the way he wants them to.

When I got back to my room I emailed Willie, because I didn't want to spend the weekend with just Noble. It was late though so he didn't reply till the morning. Then I Imed Wes and told him that there was a good chance that I would be going to the city that weekend and apologized for changing my plans at such short notice. He accepted it, but a little while later his roommate sent me an email telling me how unhappy he was and that I'm a shitty person for changing my plans. As a result, I was a mix of guilty and annoyed. All the while I'm talking to Noble on IM, I told him everything about emailing Willie, about feeling guilty about Wes, and he very well knew that my intentions were to meet up with the Bobby-Ashan group and go clubbing. At the same time I was periodically running down to Drew's room to get approval on outfits, kinda excited.

Next day, morning TEE, asked the TAC if I could sign up for leave, he said yes. Willie replied, said he had hours and might not leave until 10-11 at night, and that he would either go home or to Ashan's. Asked Noble for hotel address and number to apply for pass. Finished TEE pretty quick and got changed. Stopped by AJ and Bobby's room, but only Castillo was there. I got him to come with me to pick up Eddie from F lot.

Noble didn't want to leave until like 230 or so, I was bored and watched people leaving so naturally I wanted to leave to. My classmates and the usual underclass I invite out all had other things so I got the idea of inviting Yolanda to leave. It was cool, she said yes and I invited this other girl who was in the room named Tina to come with. We didn't get going until a little later than I had hoped for. Another girl named Sarah came with us, she was a little afraid of sneaking out. It was kinda funny cause I'm considerably taller than all of them, I'm just really used to being the short one. I had Yolanda drive cause I'm not that good with stick and I didn't want to scare the poor girls. That was definitely a good choice, I'm impressed. So we missed a the turn to get to the road I know leads to Central Valley and ended up in New Windsor. Not knowing any better we ended up back tracking.

For the first time in a long time (besides with Meg) I had fun hanging out with girls. They weren't scary, or dirty, or vindictive, or any of those things that make me shy away from cadet girls. I could have attempted to cut the meal short and rush back, but I was having fun, so we stayed through desert and ended up getting back a little before four.

I got back to my room with a legitimately annoyed IM message on my screen from Noble. He gone and left me his cell phone number. I called him and closed the window. So the deal was I was supposed to get to Garrison and hop on the next train. In a panicked state I scanned my IM list. Yolanda had to go to her sponsor's but I asked anyways, then Dan popped on so I tried him. He didn't have confidence in his stick driving capabilities but agreed after some begging from me. I shut down the computer and ran out only then to realize that I didn't have Noble's cell phone number. But I did have Ashan's phone number, I figured maybe Bobby would know it.

Arrived at the train station exactly on time and sat across from what turned out to be a yuk (its the year of 2004 remember). I proceeded to tell him my retarded story and we exchanged the usual cadet dialogue. As we pulled into the City he let me use his cell phone to try to call Ashan. An older man picked up, Ashan was not there, in a gruff abrupt sort of way he gave me the address to the apartment.

When we arrived in Grand Central, I futilely ran about the place to see if by chance I would run into Noble. Of course I didn't, and I went out to the street to try to summon a taxi. This proved to be interesting as I timidly paced back and forth trying to figure out how to get one to come to me.

As a stood amongst the tall buildings of 26th street, I felt intimidated, lost, and really clueless. Buzzed in and the door allowed me to pass. At the same time this Asian guy walked towards me. I sized him up, college-aged, good physique, was willing to bet he was a cadet on the gymnastics team. I looked around the area for a means to get up and didn't notice the elevator, when I'm panicked I'm dumb. The guy wanders back and I figured if I started talking to him he would be able to get me to Ashan's. This was of course the case and I wandered into the 9th floor apartment and glanced over the room.

There were no familiar faces. But in a way this was really good, because I was dreading Ashan and especially Bobby's response. Grabbed a Bicardi Silver and started chatting with people, generally the most harmless looking one first. I was really nice 'cause none of them believed I was a cadet.

The inevitable happened and Bobby and Ashan returned. I cursed out loud and hid in the corner from Bobby, while waiting for Ashan to come in my vicinity. I explained my story to him and he said that it was ok and I felt a little better about things. Then I looked over to the other side of the room and realized two things, that I should tell Bobby my story and ask for Noble's cell phone number. In the case of the latter, he didn't even know that Noble had a cell phone, this was naturally proceeded with the fact that he did not know Noble's cell phone number. So my only hope of meeting with him lied in him thinking to call Ashan.

In regards to the former, he gave the expected response. This kind of distant, annoyed, confused kinda tone and look. I figured it would probably be best to stay away from him as much as possible, let him have his weekend away from me.

Noble never called. Oh well, I was having a good time with the group I was with. There are times when I want to be one on one with a person and others when I want to be in a group. I was definitely in a group mood that night. I didn't really have the nerve to venture towards Bobby until he was thoroughly drunk, and even then I kept the majority of my attention on others, like Ashan. There's something about him that I don't mind being retarded with we made up a new way of playing DDR, attempted to play ping pong, he was most definitely drunk, I was most definitely not in my right mind until I started getting tired a little while into the evening.

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getting lazy going to stop for now