The reality of my 3 journals

The reality is that they were all written today.

1

I guess this could be like Eva's Human Instrumentality project, without the trippy hallucinations and pitch black room or the cheering crowd at the end. Though I'm rather burnt out on reflecting about myself. Or maybe it's more like what my social psychology teacher said, if you do what you like as a job you'll start to hate it. People have told me I should pursue something artistic as a job, but I'm hesitant to do so because its more of a hobby for me, something to keep my sanity.

I'm in conflict right now, I've been given the impression that its a bad thing to define myself though what I am not. And there's a point in that, and I'm sure it applies to me at times. My counter point is that its easier for me to define what I am though what I don't like because of my limited experience and changing interests. There are so many things I haven't tried and my hobbies cycle so much that to define what I like feels limiting.

On a tangent, I understand things by comparison. This also applies to my understanding of myself. "This person is similar to me in these ways, that same person is not like me for these reasons." There is an abundance of traits that I find different from myself here -- or more correctly -- that doesn't agree with me, or I don't like? So that, in this period of trying to define who I am and what my role is, I have a lot of what I am not and a little of what I am.

Of course this whole rant could be taken as me trying to justify actions and defending myself when threatened.

2

On the subject of success ...

Pardon if this gets all turned over on itself, I have a tendency to turn myself around in analysis. And memories are merely perceptions, and perceptions are alterable.

I was never a success driven person. In academics, social relations, athletics, desired occupation etc. Being the best never struck me. I did what I did because I was supposed to, or I liked to, or it helped other people, or people made me. I always wanted to be an artist or a paleontologist sitting in Montana with a duster begging for grants. Even a doctor isn't a success job to me, I just want to help.

My individual success doesn't mean half as much as my individual happiness/

Or I could just be trying to easy my cognitive dissonance though justification. I didn't do well on something, however I didn't put any effort into it either, so I must not care.

Makes sense to me though. I mean, if I really cared more about my success in the 3 pillars of cadet achievement then my doing poorly in it should be motivation to give up drawing, which is totally unrelated to the 3 pillars, in order to improve my performance.

I'm burnt out, I'm frustrated, I'm submersed in an environment where the majority of it is stuff I don't care for. Granted, in the real world people must do things they don't want to do. During CTLT I would have much rather spent time with Peter at the beach than in the office, but work had to be done. Why I did work there and cared about what I did is because at the end of the day I could go home and do whatever I wanted, in whatever I wanted, with whoever I wanted, even if it was something like falling asleep on the floor watching cartoon network in my Vicky S night shirt while waiting for Peter to get back from work.

Oh yeah, success ...

I like this quote --

To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

3

To continue my "what I have taken from Mil Art" rant, the topic, "How humans are like super monkeys" as inspired by the French Revolution.

This is more of the same, how war is an extension of male tendencies. It's sad because of the inevitability of it. In all groups, lions, wolves, gorillas, etc you've got one big dominant male in charge of the whole group and periodically other males will challenge his control, win or lose, and the cycle continues.

People do it too, men are the more dominant sex and the majority of world leaders are men. All wars are is a struggle for power amongst the world leaders. Any complexities are due to human creations, governments, armies, weapons etc.

Now on to the official topic. What do I want to be competent in?

Start with a differentiation. Competency is stuff that I care about, capable is stuff I have to do. Capable is like, if there's something that needs to be done, I can do it or find someone who can. Competent is being good at something I actually pride in. And to be honest, there is little at West Point I want to be competent at. Here, its like serving time, I feel like the guy in Shawshank Redemption, I'm just doing stuff to keep my sanity till I'm released from this place forever. My only experience in the army being CTLT, I could tolerate that, people seemed to think I was competent, I could serve my five and stay out of excessive trouble, kinda like parole. And in the real world, well, I don't know what I want to do yet, but I want to be competent in that obviously, because it will be of my own choice.

Here, I'll settle for being competent in things that I see have a direct impact on other people's lives.

I don't know, I had hope for the future during and after CTLT (army future), I get back here and that hope fades away quickly.