September 06, 2005

Because I do not want to forget

I'm afraid to write for fear of making things worse. Its funny now
that I have paper, my rhythm and momentum that I had in my head eludes
me (it was kind of a Def Poetry thing).

I wish we had done this my way. I wish we had closed the door to El
Paso together, made it so that there was absolutly no turning back,
because right now, knowing that you are there in our home, I'd return
withour car, clothse, or computer just to be able to watch you lay
seige to Londonium.

And even as I sit, drownding in my tears, I'm almost confident that
this is what had to be done eventually. Regardless of feelings, it is
a fact that you are leaving for Korea and will be there for a year.
Regardless of feelings, it is a fact that I am no longer in the army
and need a job and perhaps an experience to subsitutue the bitterness.
It is also a fact that I am terrible with distances. There is no
other option (though the future is unwritten). I just wish that this
was November and not September!

I'm no good with love or romance. In the traditional sense it all
terrifies me. I still don't want marriage, aniversaries, and doting
love letters, and "I love you"s should be used sparingly when they
mean the most. I'm not sure if we are supposed to move in a
direction, but I know that I love not feeling like we were or had to.

I love how you never got upset at me for drifting into my dream world
of characters and fiction, in the end eventually I'll get bored and
come back. I love the fact that ou play games too and that we could
play together, whether DDR or Samurai Warriors, Star Wars Galaxies or
CoH. I love speaking strategy and other neardy things with you. I
also love that I can play my rock collecting games, and you yours,
without complaint abotu not getting attention. I love that even
though you are not an anime nerd you found Azumanga and are endeared
when I sing "tsukurimasho." I love that you make fun of me for being
an anime neard but, never tried to change me and actually sat and
watched a couple episodes with me. I love how you can recognize the
small things, like the transmutation circle on my characters chest or
the fact that I use the force to open doors (you even correct my
technique!). I love the fact that as foul mouthed and perverted as
I've become I realize its all just silly. I like laughing at the
absurdities of sex. And even though I'm not completely free and open,
I'm a lot more than I used to be. I love the fact that I'm not afraid
to buy and show you that I bought yaoi doujinshi. I love how varied
and out there your interests are, the random knowledge you possess. I
love how you own a better rice cooker than I've ever owned and hate
shoes in the house. I love how you have that superpower to rub off on
other peeople and enable them. I love the mild abuse that makes me
stronger, your style and your smell. I really love to lie next to you
and smell your shirt (as creepy as that sounds). I love that you
competent with all sorts of tasks, listen to all sorts of music, and
watch all kinda of movies. I love how you get excited over spoting
chracters in comic book movies. I love how you are more tolerant and
generous than me. I love how you get angry when you receive gifts and
scare me off when you want to surprise me with one. I love that you
can remember that kind of flower I like, but buy me videogames. I
love the fact that our kitchen has all sorts of cool pots and tools.
I love the playful abouse, the getting locked in room s and helplessly
pinned. I love when you call me a greasy yellow asian, tell me I
smell like pork adobo and other ridiculous names. And I love a whole
lot more things but can't think of them right now ( I haven't slept
since monday afternoon).

I'm not sure if this is what love should be, but I'm sure of one
thing, writing all of this down has left me feeling markedly better,
and I hope that reading it wil do the same for you.