July 5, 2003

Well here I am, writing again, which usually means one thing, I'm lonely. This of course is the case. I'm due soon so maybe that's it. For about 2 weeks out of every month I'm extra emotional. It's funny, I realize it, but there isn't altogether too much I've been able to do about it. I realize a bunch of things like that; maybe I'm just struggling against reality. My horoscope says I have a strong tendency to want to share my life with someone and that I'm insecure and need reassurance of appreciation constantly etc etc. Maybe I'm that way because I read this stuff, maybe it's something every chick wants, or almost everyone wants. Either way I'm sitting here like a mourning love bird and it sucks. I feel utterly pathetic. I guess I felt this way last summer to an extent, though we weren't on as good of terms. Eventually, I felt adequately neglected enough and had my Peter distraction so I got over it. Well until I got to airborne school and I felt very alone, especially because I hated it so much. Now I'm in a situation where I love where I'm at, but it feels empty without Bobby around. Maybe it's because at home I don't have distractions, and I have a lot of things that make me think of him. I don't want someone to take my attention, I'm quite happy with where it is now. Even when I'm having fun I think, "I wish he was here now too." I hate being like this because I don't want to scare him off. I don't want to cling too hard. So many people around us are engaged, are married, I think it scares us both to varying degrees regarding our own relationship. Personally, I don't like saying I have a boyfriend, at this point in my life the thought of being engaged doesn't make me feel all giggly in love, it scares me. Though at the same time I think about things like "5 years down the road we're going to start a corporation, and we'll have"… etc. I'm finally getting tired, I better take advantage of it and go to bed.

Part 2

"And I take this obligation freely, without mental reservation, or purpose of evasion…"

Another example of my flexible moral system. Perhaps this speaks negatively on me, but it's the truth. All that's been on my mind is evasion, "how can I get out? How can I get another day back? How can I get into Med Service?" OBC is creeping up on me and I have to figure out the dynamic I'm going to work.

We had a fire last night. I hate those things. I can still remember one of my nightmares about them back at my old house (a long time ago). I guess its cause we've lived in the hills most of my life and I've seen the destructive power of them. It's something I can't control. To go along with the theme of Happenstance, I sensed it was going to happen. Of course, I sense a lot of things that don't happen, but that's not the point. Odds it was going to happen because the day was hot, dry, and windy and the night was the same to a lesser degree and we had about 7 fireworks displays around us. There was this really close one that looked like it was shooting from a house. Six Flags' was the one to start it, lucky for them they didn't actually catch on fire, the brush on the hillside next to Viper did. I went outside and talked to the random people out there who had gathered because we have the most desirable street corner in Stevenson Ranch (for the fireworks we must have had 100s gathered there). Talking to random people always makes me feel better.

So guy associate number XX admitted to having a crush on me since beast, go figure. I know the reality of my relations, but it still annoys me when they do that. I guess I really don't care about peoples' motivations for associating with me, as long as I feel I have control over the situation. Maybe I'm a control freak. I'm conscious of it, in my silly little way I've had more experience dating than … I dunno something. That's the new dynamic I'm thinking about, I'm feeling like I should be more wary about other guys or something. "So you've had a crush on me since ___? Obviously you don't understand me or my rules enough to know that you shouldn't bother…" Oh well